you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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