My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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