im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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