I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i need some magic done to my vagina
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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