another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
