Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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