she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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