Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
