the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
