i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
