a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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