i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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