I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
