I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
