my phone needs a breathalizer
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Randomize
