i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
