We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
