Me too!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
