wanna go halves on a baby?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
