when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
