Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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