Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
