My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
