see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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