I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
