Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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