I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
