the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
