Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
