You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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