genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
