I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
