I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
