Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
