she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
