I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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