Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
