just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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