When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
