I want to stick my p in your. b.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
