I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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