the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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