I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
