just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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