I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
