I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
