I feel great
I just peed on a car
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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