So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
