oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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