I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
