I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
