Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We had sex on a dog bed..
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
