The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
