I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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