hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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