Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
