Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
