Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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