Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
