Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
