The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
