Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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